Too Much To Lose

As I stare at my reflection, breathing ever so deeply; 
To myself I make a solemn frightening vow. 
I promise that today will be the day that I let it all out; 
Today I will disregard where, when, what and how. 

I practice the words one last time before leaving; 
I force myself to remember them this time. 
I steel myself against my twitching, my nerves and my tears; 
I remind myself that I had hardly committed a crime. 

Suddenly I’m before you, and everything comes rushing back; 
Every single reason I had broken promises before. 
Every flaw in my rehearsed speech suddenly became blindingly obvious; 
As did everything I’d be missing that I had come to adore. 

I suddenly remember how I can’t live without your smile; 
And how it had taken me long enough to see it again. 
I remember how I had taken that smile for granted sometimes; 
I remember how without it, I couldn’t live with the pain. 

I remember the pain in your eyes, how it seemed to drain your sparkle; 
How it took away the amazing boy I knew dwelled within. 
I remember my joy as your eyes slowly shone again; 
And how it cheered me more than your cheeky grin. 

I remember the warmth of your skin as we tickled, pinched and wrestled; 
How I turned cold inside when it all came to an end. 
I had frozen in utter shock the first time you tickled me again; 
I convinced myself somehow that it meant we were on the mend. 

Tears almost spill onto my cheeks when I fondly remember; 
The way you used to look at me when you called me your dearest. 
A stupid smile had spread on my face when you called me dear again; 
Surely it had meant nothing, but that victory tasted the sweetest. 

I snap back to the present as you catch sight of me there; 
I watch your surprise turn to laughter and delight. 
As you cheerily walk towards me, I know then for certain; 
That I’ll never see a more welcome sight. 

I decide there and then that I can never keep my promise; 
That your friendship was too precious to discard. 
It didn’t matter anymore that I was still madly in love; 
It didn’t matter that you still had my heart. 

A new stabbing pain hits me, a new sad darkness grips me; 
As I realize I’ll never again hear that you love me. 
But insignificant was my pain in light of your warm, shining eyes; 
On went my plastered smile, as it forever would be.