Monday, February 5, 2018

An "It's Not You, It's Me"

Guys do this thing, where they say you deserve someone better. Sure, it's a compliment to you and your personality and your capabilities. They think you deserve a handsome, wonderful man who will always make time for you and never lie to you and cherish you above all else and never lose their temper and always do right by you despite their own feelings and basically they're saying what you deserve is a superhuman demigod who doesn't exist.

So yes, it's a compliment of a sort to have someone think you deserve a better guy. But as I get older it sounds more and more like an excuse. It doesn't sound like "You deserve someone better" any more, it sounds like "I can't be bothered to improve myself enough to feel like I semi deserve you". And at that point this pedestal they put you on doesn't feel like a pedestal any more.

It feels like a cage.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

A Wandering, Wondering Adulthood

So I suddenly felt inspired to write. I have no idea what this post is going to be about yet, so let's see where this goes, shall we?

Anyway, here I am, listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars, which I don't do enough I might add, wondering what randomness I'm about to spew at 10.24pm on a random Tuesday night. I suppose I'll go with what I know.

Does anyone ever feel like even though we're functioning adults, that we should be better at it by now? 

There's always that one appointment you miss that hurts someone's feelings or that one friend who thinks they can't talk to you because my goodness you're a sucky friend or that one deadline you barely met even though you did everything right or that one insult that everyone at that work meeting understood but you or that time you wondered why you don't have friends any more. 

Granted, it doesn't happen all the time. But do you feel like you should have gotten the hang of life a little better compared to when you were 17? Again, granted, a lot more shit happens to you when you're closer to 30 than 20, and being an adult is a lot sometimes. 

I just wish that I could look back and see how far I've come. There's just too much of a tendency to mess something up and then sink into a hole in the ground and think "my goodness I've learned nothing I'm barely a useful human being why didn't I know that why can't I just be good at this adulting thing".

It's a lot. Especially at 10.41pm on a random Tuesday night. 

Wow, how's that for weird topics to blog about, huh? 

Let me leave you with something a little more cheerful than that. Dale Carnegie said, and I quote, "The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way." It sounds like he had just studied the definition of insanity, doesn't it? Nevertheless, it remains sound advice and a good thought to take to bed as I ponder a new day and a new beginning. 

I hope everyone reading this has a great day today :)

Sunday, October 8, 2017

An Unquestioned Burst of Inspiration

Believe it or not, the lack updates lately has not been for lack of trying. Inspiration has just not been my friend lately, until today that is.

I don't know if this is any good and I haven't even asked for an opinion on it yet, I was just so excited to have written something after so long. So here it is, my attempt at poetry after donkey years of silence.

There is a question
That hangs in the air
Awkward and unspoken
Acknowledged and deeply pondered
Yet weighted by its unanswered-ness.

It is alive with mischief and elusive wiles
Ever changing, never resting, never still
It morphs with every measure of passing time
From greys and browns, to blues and greens
Never quite reaching the glory of reds and golds.

Its depth is close to unfathomable
Its reach speaks in inaudible whispers
Of broken hearts made whole
Of dreams almost within grasp
Of endless possibility behind wondering doubt
Of earthly wonder in everyday miracles
Of contentment and peace, dangling like an almost promise.

Never asked
Always wondered
The reason behind searching, memorising eyes
And the words just beyond the growing lump of a throat
The endless cause of softer than soft smiles and sighs like anchors.

A simple question
And yet, not so simple.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

An Optimistic (but no less hilarious, hopefully) Update

Greetings, World Wide Web!

So yes, it has indeed been a while since I wrote. Inspiration was lacking. Indeed, inspiration is still lacking; I have no idea what I'm about to write so let's just see where this goes, shall we? 

FITNESS. I know, I know, super weird that that's the first thing that came to mind. If you've met me and seen the size of my thighs, you would understand. So the reason why this unlikely topic has come up is because I've finally joined a gym. That's right, I've joined a gym. ME.

It's been going pretty okay though, in every other way but my finances. I just did not expect to have no decent exercise clothes and to have to get a whole other set of toiletries and to need a proper pair of shoes and SPORTS BRAS good Lord, sports bras. Who knew they were so important and so expensive? *sob sob* SO yeah, the expense was immense, pardon the unintentional rhyming.

But at least I'm finally doing something about losing all of my excess weight! My body freaked out at first, of course. Not with pain, though there was plenty of that too, but with all kinds of other symptoms. Suddenly there was insomnia happening. And heat flashes! Heat flashes are for menopausal women for goodness sake! I got a little worried until Bryan told me to just drink more water during and after my workout. Which made sense for after the workout, of course. But during the workout makes slightly less sense and only because how do you drink anything when you're panting for dear life and trying not to die???

Some of the classes I went to were pretty funny though. Not the classes themselves of course, just my dealing with them. I went for a hip hop dance class that didn't mention anywhere that it wasn't for beginners (oh my goodness how not for beginners it was) and wasn't tired at all because I wasn't following the choreography at all and mostly just stood there looking confused and lost and so very clueless. Yoga was going pretty well until the instructor told me to put my right knee on my right shoulder like it was a perfectly reasonable request.

But besides all of that, I'm going to the gym. Fingers crossed that this will finally be the time that all of this weight is lost for good. 

And on a totally unrelated note, even though I don't think it's true, I truly enjoy when people look at me in surprise and say "'ve lost weight!" So (possibly) untrue, yet so satisfying.

The Raya break was great. I pretty much lazed around the whole time except the day I finally got my new IC done. Two hours productivity (And when I say productivity of course I'm referring to sitting around reading "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" then having lunch while reading aforementioned book then playing games on my phone until, at long last, the fateful angka giliran was called. 1195. It was a glorious moment, two hours in the making.) then I went right back to lazing around. In other words, it was a fantastically relaxing break. 

On a very sad note though, two days ago one of my good friends' grandfather passed away. This friend Lisa and her family are practically family to me, and her granddad used to pick me up from school whenever dad was busy. I was terrified of his driving. I only found out recently that Lisa and her brother Reyhan were pretty terrified of his driving themselves. The sudden braking took some getting used to for sure. 

But he was just the sweetest and most adorable grand-uncle-like figure in my life and I really am sad that he's gone. But I do thank God that uncle Davis's suffering is over and that he's been called home, where I hope there's a very happy reunion going on with his dear wife. May his soul rest in peace and rise in glory.

Have I rambled on enough for now? I think that's pretty good for a start, yes? 

Here's to a great rest of the week that's as cheerful as the soundtrack to Grease that I'm listening to right now. 

Sunday, January 29, 2017

A Soft, Slow, (but no less intense) Heartbreak

It is this writer’s opinion that right now is the best time to be going through a breakup. To have your heart torn apart and your hopes for the future stepped on and torn apart by mutant trolls. To have the past seven years of laughter and hope and pain and joy have been for nothing and to have meant nothing.

But I digress.

Why a good time to be heartbroken, you ask?

In the past, break ups have always meant being a misunderstood island, part radioactive and part active volcano. No matter your best friends’ best intentions or efforts, we always feel alone in our pain, unless you’re lucky enough to have someone going through a break up at the same time. And even then, there is an aloneness to it still, because you may think they’re doing better than you because they seem so put together and cool while you’re constantly falling apart over stupid things like his old shirt you find at the back of your cupboard or a remote control that won’t cooperate because it has run out of batteries when you’re trying to watch tv like a normal non-heartbroken human being.

But yesterday, in my misery, when I was watching a trailer of a movie called “Drinking Buddies”, there was this line that stuck with me.

“It’s the problem with heartbreak; that to you it it’s like an atomic bomb, and to the world it’s just really clich├ęd because in the end we all have the same experience.”

Even though I wasn’t a fan of the movie (in fact I couldn’t even get to the halfway point), that single line stuck with me. I had a moment where I went YES, that feeling is exactly what I’m going through. And through my heartache riddled haze, I recognised that at least one person out there knew the aloneness I was going through. He or she may have written that line ages ago, in months or years past, but they knew. And they had bothered to put that line in a movie so that I knew I wasn’t alone.

Then today I heard Adele on the radio singing about how her love ain’t water under the bridge. And I just fell in love with her even more because she gets it too! Even “Say Something” has a whole new meaning to me now compared to when it first came out.

It is circumstance that gives these works new meaning. In my case, the circumstance happens to be heartbreak. But the meaning is there, waiting to be found. These hints are there, just waiting to show you, to reassure you, that even though you feel the most alone that you’ve ever been because there’s this giant hole in your life that you feel in your chest and in your stomach every moment of every day like a weight, that someone, that so many people, know how you feel. They’ve been through it. They’ve cried just as much as you, maybe more. They’ve felt the dichotomous “I want to see him. Wait, no I don’t,” too.

It’s no one’s fault, the emptiness that you feel. But your friends understand. Your family understands. They may not react the way you need them to. Your parents may tell you to move on like it’s supposed to be easy, like the past goodness knows how many years have meant nothing. Your friends may be a little mad at him, calling him names before you’re ready for it because you still love him so damned much. Your brother may be a little callous, saying that it was obvious that if something were to happen between the two of you, it would have happened by now. Your sister may be a little dismissive, telling you how weird she thinks he is.

BUT. They understand. They all do.

And these days, with songs and movies and YouTube videos and Tumblr and Pinterest and Instagram all touting optimistic quotes and subtle “We get it” hand holding, it’s so easy to find and accept that even though you feel that atomic bomb blowing up inside you again and again and again…

You’re not alone. You never have been. And you never will be.

Monday, March 30, 2015

A Rude Awakening

Ever been so sure of something that you were about as immovable as a rock on steroids? Apparently, I've been too. I was completely unaware of it, but well, I suppose that doesn't make it any less true.

I've always maintained that I wasn't one of those people whose phones pretty much contained their lives. I don't obsessively upload pictures of my food or my outfits on Instagram, I don't share every YouTube video I like on Facebook and I most definitely do not post my every random thought (in a wit and pop culture reference themed extravaganza) on Twitter. I realised recently that no one knows I've graduated from university simply because I didn't post any pictures on Facebook. Imagine having a life altering moment and not plastering it into the story of your online presence. The horror!

Anyway, back to not being one of those my-phone-is-my-life people. So I left my phone at a friend's place the other day and only realised it when I had gotten home. By then all I had time for was a shower and a change of clothes before heading to work. In an unfortunate turn of events, I eventually did get Xander the Xperia back.

It took almost two. Whole. Days.

Oh boy, did I suffer. I couldn't do anything! I couldn't reach anyone because the only numbers I'd memorised belong the parents and the sister, which is ridiculous seeing as I live with my brother and he's the one I'd be calling more often asking if there's bread and milk at home or if he wants food. I couldn't play Sudoku to while away the commercials while watching tv. I couldn't even set an alarm to force myself out of bed in the morning! My days were filled with "Sudhan, can you call my sister for me?" and "Joash, can you text Leanne for me?". I felt so helpless and out of reach. My boss couldn't reach me if one of my classes had been cancelled, my friends couldn't reach me with the latest news (Or gossip. Whichever.), and Sudhan and Jasmine turned my pain into a Whatsapp spam party.

So yeah. Turns out I'm one of em tech zombies after all. I was way too happy to get Xander back to be devastated at the thought of being one with the masses though. And of course by masses I mean the kids all over the world who stare at the closest screen while you attempt to speak to them. Oh well, I haven't started scrolling down my Facebook news feed while someone tries to pry a sentence out of me at least. Good Lord, please don't ever let me be that punk. 

So there it is. I said a polite hello to my wake up call and am now unashamedly staring at my beloved Xander whenever I choose to spend quality time with him. IT. I meant it! 

Oh, what the hell. I mean, I did name the precious thing after all. Calling my phone 'him' won't level-up my psychosis any. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

A Birthday Week Part II

So continuing my previous post where we left off.

So the night of the 26th the college buddies counted down to Beh Jian Fung's birthday together in our Whatsapp group very aptly named 'We Hate UTAR'. We had a little Whatsapp emoticon celebration at midnight. It was horrendously lame but oh well we all thought it was the height of fun at the time :) 

The next day I met BJF at Mid Valley for a birthday buddies lunch. To our delight there was an Antipodean there. The last time we had gone to Antipodean at Bangsar together we really enjoyed ourselves and thought the service was great. To top it off, we saw our favourite waiter there and he was as affable and pleasant as ever. So of course, in response to all these good things, we stayed all afternoon drinking delicious coffee and talking away. And not one of the waiters gave us bitchy, judgey stares. It was very, very nice and we had a great time and even left before the 5pm KL deadlock traffic jams.

Always an honour to share an adjacent birthday with you, Beh Jian Fung :)

And that night it was a Middle Eastern dinner with the Rushworths and one of their longtime friends who was down from Langkawi for a visit. It was a lot of fun looking through the menu and not understanding what everything was. We all relied on Charles to not Punk us into having goat entrails for dinner. But thankfully his sense of humour was not that twisted and dinner was delicious. So it was another dinner with great company and conversation that I really enjoyed.

Then on Friday it was dinner with the mom and the sister and Manny. Manny was hilarious, saying it seemed like days ago that we were celebrating my birthday. We went to Nando's as usual and god my mouth is watering thinking of that extra hot peri peri chicken. Mom was telling us about her presentation that day that she had, as usual, done exceptionally well. She went on to win third place for Best Speaker. Couldn't public speaking be hereditary?? Damn. Well I did get my public speaking skills from both her and dad I'm sure, but it sure as hell was watered down lol.

The grand finale of all the celebrations was the young people party at Solaris. Mine and Lisa's fun started in the car on the way there, of course. Yes, we decided to carpool to save the environment. Or...because we wanted to get a head start on catching up and I didn't want to drive in case anyone got the bright idea of getting the birthday girl to drink shots or something :D 

Dinner was hilarious. Everyone, being Malaysian, was either late or lost or looking for parking or lost looking for parking. And all these clowns, being Malaysian, refused to wait for everyone to get there before ordering their food. Eventually Charles and I were the only decent people who hadn't eaten yet, sitting there and judging everyone who had given in to their growling stomachs because KEVIN LEE NATHANIEL WAS SO LATE WE COULD ALL HAVE HAD TWO MEALS. In fact BJF did have two meals. I'm sorry, Beh Jian Fung, the lie had to end lol. He had one meal with all the other indecent people who couldn't wait. Then when Kevin finally got there he ordered again, saying he hadn't eaten yet lol. 

Another hilarious thing that happened was when Kevin and Amir had disappeared somewhere and suddenly everyone at the table asked if they were together LOL. I had to calm down long enough to explain that no, Kevin was quite definitely straight and so was Amir, even though the perfection of his hair could have implied otherwise. 

And my goodness. My food. I ordered whitebait fish, expecting a nice healthy meal. And what arrived was this thing that looked like french fries and tasted like fishy french fries. I stared at it for a long time before eating it, sobbing on the inside. I scolded Joash later for not warning me. At least Charles took pity on me and gave me some of his OH MY GOD SO DELICIOUS pork. By the time Beh Jian Fung offered me some of his pork burger I was thankfully full and no longer sobbing on the inside. 

Then Bryan and Leanne arrive and Bryan of course decides to embarrass the bejeezus out of me, walking in and screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLANA. He kissed the back of my head repeatedly while I tried to crawl under the table to dig myself a hole to China. But my birthday brownie that later arrived made up for the embarrassment because it was so gooooood.

Sad part is everyone suddenly became camera shy and we somehow only took this one photo which didn't even include everyone :( Lisa does look like she's about to eat the table though so I suppose that makes up for it :)

All in all, even though everyone mysteriously quieted down when we got to Barfly after dinner, it was a good night and a great end to a great birthday week. The highlight had to be Charles and Larry's conversation pretty much the entire walk to the car plus the ride home which I should probably keep to myself so they don't both get killed with hate lol.

So I'd like to thank everyone who wished me and anyone who was involved in the great birthday week one way or another. To all those poor souls who couldn't make it, there'll always be next year. Love all you guys!!

An "It's Not You, It's Me"

Guys do this thing, where they say you deserve someone better. Sure, it's a compliment to you and your personality and your capabilities...