So the thing is, there has been quite a bit of upheaval in my life lately. And somehow, my mind has decided that the best thing to do about it is to take my grief about the matter, and focus it on something completely different. Something that has nothing to do with the matter at hand. Namely, I've finally started mourning the loss of Chester Bennington.
I say "finally" like I expected to be this upset about it. And I really was not expecting to be so sad, and to be reflecting on it for so long. I sure as hell didn't feel this way when Michael Jackson died. Or Whitney Houston or Amy Winehouse or Christopher Lee. Sure, Cory Monteith affected me a little, and I cried when I watched his tribute episode on Glee. I wrote a blog post about him too. But still, it didn't feel anything like this.
It was a Friday when the news broke on social media, given the time difference and everything. I hadn't been paying attention. I had been having a particularly shit day at work, and I was too tired and stressed out to deal with all the pictures of people going on vacation on Facebook. I met up with a friend that night at our usual mamak, moaning and groaning about it all. When he asked if I had "Seen on Facebook about Chester Bennington?", (I had given him an hour long lecture on why he should start listening to Linkin Park just weeks before, telling him that Chester had one of the most amazing voices that I had ever heard, especially when he was singing live) even though I had an inkling what it could have been about, I asked him in a horrified back-of-my-throat whisper, wide-eyed and a little panicked, "What about Chester Bennington?". He saw the look on my face and said that I had just had a terrible day, and that we could talk about it the next day.
So the next day, a Saturday, as I tapped on that Facebook app as I lay in bed, I breathed deeply, exaggeratedly, preparing myself. Sure enough, there it was.
I stopped listening to Linkin Park. Ignored the whole thing and pretended it hadn't happened. It was pretty easy. Malaysia is far, far away from LA after all. So I switched radio stations when their songs came on, read through everyone's status updates on Chester and then repressed it, didn't watch any of the videos of the countless artists' singing tributes to him, and all the reminders of what had happened faded away soon enough.
Well, their music kept playing on the radio. I kept switching stations.
Recently, post first instance of emotional upheaval that is, I came across Mike Shinoda's Post Traumatic EP on Spotify. Damn you Spotify for kickstarting all of...this. Holy shit I swear 'Watching As I Fall' just started playing on Spotify. Spotify scares me. Okay fine, don't damn you Spotify, just don't scare me like that.
Anyway, the first thing I heard was 'Over Again' and I was surprised it was so angry. I mean, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. Anger is part of grief, and (Great, now 'Place to Start' is playing, how is this even happening right after Watching As I Fall when Spotify is on shuffle I'm going to start tearing up in this cafe why did I decide to write this in public I can never come here again) Linkin Park have been together for two decades now. I've known people for 20 years, and I can't even begin to imagine the hole any of them would leave in my life if they passed away. Touch wood for superstitious purposes.
I have to admit, Spotify didn't start playing Over Again. That was me, because I'm just a glutton for punishment at this point.
It's just that Mike Shinoda (bless him, love Mike Shinoda so much, always have) always seemed so put together whenever I saw videos of him post-Chester. And yes, I suppose that makes sense too. His grief is private, not fodder for public spectacle. So when I heard all this sadness and anger in these three not very long but full of emotion songs, I was surprised. It finally got me thinking about Chester.
It's all been downhill since then, my poor battered heart-wise. I finally started listening to Linkin Park again. And if I had thought that was hard, it was only because I hadn't starting watching old interviews yet. He was so funny, so full of joy and love for the music his band was making. I still crack up every time I see that interview about him being on Jimmy Kimmel with Dead by Sunrise. Have you seen it? You absolutely have to, here:
Mike and that "You never told me this story" face and his laughing and snorting was not helping me stifle my laughing in public.
I mean, how do you not fall in love with Chester Bennington after donkey years of all of that? You can't, that's how. Good Lord, now it's raining outside, and there's thunder. Lots of thunder. I don't think I'm supposed to escape this post tear-free.
Anyway, even after reacquainting myself with Linkin Park music I didn't feel quite ready to watch their tribute show. Just couldn't. I don't know how they did it, and they have my undying respect for that, really. When I finally did get around to watching it one Saturday morning, it blew me away. Not only because it was a great show, but...
People were crying. And for once I wasn't that girl. The one who was like "Oh, please. You didn't even know him and you're crying like he was your best friend." Because for once I got it. For once, I was crying too. When the band played Numb, and they shone that spotlight on that empty mike stand, I just started bawling like a baby. And when the crowd (who obviously knew all the words because please, it's Numb) sang along and it was just them singing, my goodness. It was so beautiful and so tragically sad.
And you know what? Watching them on stage, I missed him. I missed Chester.
Let's not even talk about what happened when I watched the 'One More Light' music video. It destroyed me. The whole music video, the whole thing just triggered me at every microsecond. That first throwback to him and Mike Shinoda, which is like ten seconds in, and I already started tearing up. Goodness I am such a mess over this guys, it's not even funny.
I think I'll never be able to watch this music video without tearing up. Well, not anytime soon anyway.
I will say this though. I didn't like their song Heavy at first. I remember hearing it on the radio and of course recognising Chester's voice immediately and thinking "What the hell is this, Chester? Have you gone fully mellow now, what's going on?". Stupid question, in hindsight. In fact, it made me laugh how many people freaked out over the song being so electronic and so chill. Of course, it was only a dislike borne of love and adoration for them, if that makes any sense. It wasn't a 'I'm going to stop listening to them now' kind of dislike.
Now of course I love the song, have listened to it a million times and haven't gotten sick of it yet because shit. It was a dream of mine to watch Linkin Park live. They were in Malaysia in 2013 if I'm not mistaken. Sadly I was a student back then, and broke. So I couldn't go. And now I'll never get to hear Chester sing live. Breaks my heart.
But I'm thankful I get the next best thing, which is his voice, immortalised in song. Listening to the One More Light Live album made me so happy and so sad at the same time. They perform Crawling with just a piano, and I've never heard it like that before and it's incredible. Give it a listen, it's amazing:
Thinking about Chester and feeling so miserable about his death has really given me a newfound appreciation and curiosity about depression. I find myself talking about it more and more, and even though it's not a topic I can talk about confidently because I don't know all that much about it, I will find out more and continue to talk about it. So many people I've talked to still have a pretty old school train of thought about depression. I have a friend who recently told me that her parents think she wants to be depressed. Goodness. That made me sad. But mostly people ask me why people are depressed when they're rich and famous and have a wonderful family, and I try explaining that depression is not a choice, and it can't be overcome just because a person is successful.
As sad as the whole Chester Bennington situation has made me, I appreciate him and his music, and the part he played in my life, helping me deal with my anger when I couldn't find the outlet I needed. He screamed for me, when I couldn't scream. I appreciated the band so much for that. Meteora pretty much changed my life. I memorised the entire album, having listened to it every single Saturday with my siblings as we cleaned the house. It was the one album we convinced dad to buy for us (Non-pirated albums are expensive in Malaysia by the way, so it really was a momentous decision on dad's part. Any album, even by local artists, would have cost almost 50 bucks back then. Goodness knows how much they cost now.), and he ended up loving it too. Given Up was my go to song in uni when I was feeling particularly frustrated with assignments and tests and my friends and my parents and life. Linkin Park was always just around, playing in the background of my life.
A friend of mine asked me recently if I'd still listen to Linkin Park if they got a new frontman and continued to make music. I couldn't answer the question at the time, never having thought of Linkin Park as Linkin Park without Chester. But you know what? Of course I'd still listen and love their music. Chester left a hole that will never be filled, but whatever happens Linkin Park will always be one of the great musical loves of my life. May they continue to persevere even as they grieve, and may they continue to make great music that will make us all feel okay.
Rest in peace, Chester Charles Bennington. You know what? I really will remember you, always.
#MakeChesterProud
