Uneventful boredom

Even as I type this I'm supposed to be doing my Sun Tzu assignment. I know, I'm such a procrastinator :)


I just feel like blogging suddenly dunno why.


Guess what happened yesterday. Sis like an idiot didnt tell me that Emmanuel was coming over to the house hehe. Oh I just realised I never mentioned Emmanuel before. Oops. He's my sisters boyfriend by the way. Ever since he came back from the UK where he did law for about 8 months, he's been coming over to the house about once a week or so. Only thing is he's only ever seen me at my absolute worst :S


So yesterday was no different. I was sitting in the living room in my super sized t shirt, with my uncombed hair looking like a birdnest and staring at the tv looking so depressed when he came in. Haihh...by then it was too late to do any so called damage control hehe. So he was here the whole day and me and Joash just gave the study room a wide berth for the day :)


Anyway today was my Pengajian Malaysia test and we finally passed up our completed assignment to the lecturer. One down, just Sun Tzu to go. Oh and Academic Writing too which I also haven't started :S


I keep forgetting the point of this post. Hmmmmm........crap what was it that I wanted to say??


Oh yeah.


AARON'S COMING BACK TOMORROW!!! :D :D :D :D :D


I think I probably made him panic a little cause when I was chatting with him just now. It's not my fault I was just too hyper and excited about seeing him tomorrow :) Anyway I'm soooooo looking forward to that. Oh and then Mom's taking me saree shopping for Christmas. Dunno what colour to get this year. Hmmmmmmmm....


I'm really getting into the Christmas mood early this year. Carolling practice must have triggered it :) Its just too exciting. Then there's a Christmas tree decorating competition at church next Friday which sounds like so much fun. I can't wait :) Audrey and Aaron won't be there though :( Hope the rest can make it.


So.....I probably should be getting back to that assignment, huh? Sigh.........


Ok fine I'm going already :S


I'll probably update tomorrow out of joblessness as well :)

Not emo-ing

Someone just told me that I'm being so emo and I was like eeeeeeewwwwww I'm not usually like this. So everyone calm down, this is a normal non-emo post k :)


Oh my impromptu speech was last Monday and I was surprisingly lucky to get the topic of "Which living famous person would you want to meet and why?". Damn!! I know it sounds totally easy but when you have like 3 minutes to prepare your speech your mind tends to go a little haywire. And it was so irritating that the only name circulating in my mind was Cristiano Ronaldo. I almost laughed when that idea came to mind hehe. I mean COME ON that is like the shallowest thing I can come up with. But I couldn't come up with anything else :S


So yeah I spent about 2 minutes telling my class, lecturer and students about how hot Cristiano Ronaldo is. They would have all probably thought I'm some bimbo lol. But oh well, at least they kinda laughed and I didn't stutter hehe. Sudhan said I was ok and Shu didn't give me her what-the-hell-were-you-thinking look so I guess that's a good enough achievement :)


Then the next day was our presentation on "Tamil Movies and its Ultimate Irrationalities". I'm telling you me, Shu and Sudhan had never been that excited about presentations before hehe. Well I suppose it was cause this was a topic close to our hearts (lol yeah right we ridicule tamil movies all the time) and we were the ones who chose it. It was too bad we never had the chance to do this presentation in PJ though. I'm sure it would have been a huge hit lol.


Well I think it went pretty well. or at least that was just me. During our Q and A Mr Selvaraj barely let us speak cause he was so excitedly answering the questions himself hehe. And during the presentation when we were showing a rape video clip and stopped it just when the girl was about to get raped, there was actually people who were disappointed!! Obviously it was mostly the guys lol. That was funny. And during one of our clips of the obscene songs I saw quite a few people(guys of course) with freakishly broad grins on their faces hehe.


I wouldn't be surprised if we managed to convince at least ONE of our classmates to go catch a tamil movie sometime soon :)


Oh Wednesday was cool too. We had a very funny conversation with Puvendran and Edmond from our class. They're like 2 freakishly brilliant students. Its so men-jealous-kan :( But they're just sooooo funny lol.


Today was stupid. I only left UTAR at like 5pm. Was wasting sooooooo much time with QADES in the cafeteria. And before that I slipped back into my habit of playing bingo and nama negeri when I'm clearly too slow for it hehe. Though I'm playing it with new people now and at least am not playing it in class this time :)


Oh and the ACS Charity Night event is moving along pretty smoothly I guess. The fashion show list is almost done though I guess Vimal still needs plenty of convincing about the whole wearing a skirt in the name of Scottish fashion thing hehe. He'll come around I'm sure :) After all a surprising amount of people want him to do it and he couldn't possibly not cave under all that pressure hehe.


The next step would be Puvan and the Orang Asli costume which kinda necessitates some chest flashing lol. He woulnd't mind I'm sure. Just a little worried cause Qades insists he needs some chest hair removed so the girls wouldn't mistake him for a furry animal hehe. Tweezers, meet chest hair ;p


Unfortunately Qades and Mishan are pretty firm set on NOT being able to be in the fashion show. Damn. Cowboy Qades would have been quite a sight to behold hehe.


Anyway I'm supposed to be studying now. Got a Pengajian Malaysia test on Saturday. Its objective, how odd is that? But I refuse to question grace in its truest form here hehe. Oh damn I should ask Anna which chapters to study in the first place :S


Later people. Oh and thanks Benson for making me realise how emo my blog is :)

A shield

I can't believe I gave up without trying. Its just so not me.


I'm sorry its just too scary for me.


Cause I figured something out. It's not that I'm not attracted to nice guys. I am.


The problem is, even if I were, nice guys ain't attracted to me.


I get leftovers, jerks, jackasses.


No offense to anyone, just let me emo.


I'm being divided between two halves of myself. One half says what the hell are you doing sitting on your ass, go for it!!! The other stronger half says that sitting on my ass would be the best thing to do to keep my heart intact. Relatively intact I mean. It's not like its whole now anyway.


Then why do I get this strange feeling about what I'm doing? I feel like I'm doing something WRONG. Which obviously I'm not. Right?


Right?


Or is it just my subconscious trying to make me do what I really want to do?


I wouldn't be surprised. It wouldn't be the first time my subconscious made me decide something that would trigger a horrible avalanche of emotions on me.


Damn.


Why does all this have to be so confusing??


Just give me a straight up hint already.


I'm sick of this.


Someone give me a sign.


Please.

I (Don't) Wanna

At least when my heart was broken I knew what I was doing-I was taking time to heal.


But what then? What about after I heal and am lost and confused about what comes next?


Damn.


Sometimes I think that being the idiot that I sometimes(or most of the time) am, I hold on to the hurt just so I don't have to go through it all again. I don't think the cruel fate is through with me yet. Hence it would just be safer to stay heartbroken and in no mood whatsoever for whatever other forms of pain I haven't quite experienced yet.


Sigh.


I can't even begin to imagine falling again. I've just come to a realisation that it simply never worked out positively for me. Not once. Damn, that's comforting.


Not even once!!!


That's gotta be bad.


I'm rambling and talking nonsense I know.


So what do I do if there is someone? Do I ignore it because I'm scared? Do I take a step forward, AGAIN, only to discover disappointment, AGAIN?


I envy all those lucky souls who don't know what its like to feel this way. If any of you guys are curious about how it feels, don't be. Maybe it'll make me stronger when I'm past it. But now all I feel is a vulnerability which drives me insane.


No one wants to believe themselves vulnerable. That would just suck big time.


I don't wanna be vulnerable. I wanna go back to being strong.


But I can't.


Because amidst this pain I feel a new pain.


Falling for someone while hurting for someone else.

Great.

Definitely maybe

Wow is the word....

I never expected second sem to be so freaking awesome!!

Yeah how unexpected is that sentence huh? After all the whining and fussing over PJ's awesomeness I'm finally beginning to appreciate that studying in Setapak, while not nearly as wondeful as my experience in foundation, is still gonna be pretty great :) I have 2 really cool subjects. Which is good by the way cause all of us need a break from the drama of taking maths subjects. I mean I know it's gonna be the pinnacle of whatever future career I choose but it ain't all that exciting you know?

Oral Communication is really cool. We have no lectures and no tutorials. Its all practical work. It involves a lot of talking and making noise which if course I'm exceptionally good at hehe. And our lecturer is soooo lame and funny. Best of all, his name is Mr. Selvaraj. Which happens to be the father's name of yours truly :) He actually asked who among us in the class was his 'daughter'. And my classmates are all really sporting and funny. I really do look forward to those classes. Never once have I checked my watch in that class. Shu and Anna know how rarely that happens :)

The other class I quite like is Academic Writing. It has just been too long since I've been writing on a continuous basis other than blogging. And blogging isn't quite creative writing, if you know what I mean. The other day in class I started writing a narrative passage and just couldn't stop. My lecturer took a look at my page and said that it was already too long. And I was only halfway done :) Got a little excited I suppose. So that class is quite awesome as well.

My other 2 subjects are nothing to shout about. Pengajian Malaysia at this stage is simply restudying history. But at least I'm actually hearing BM again. The quality of my BM must have severely deteriorated by now I'm sure. Since the end of SPM I've been speaking, reading, and doing pretty much everything in English. Which calls for an improvement in my English of course. Unfortunately is has also caused a decline in my once 'all right' BM.

My other subject, Sun Tzu's Art of War and Business Strategies is quite an all right subject I think. The only problem is my lecturer. When she starts to speak, its pretty much guaranteed that I'll get a headache within 3 minutes. She just has such a shrill, piercing and extremely jarring voice. Using a mike doesn't exactly improve the situation :S Not to mention her tendency to enunciate and draaaaaag every word she says. Not in a good way :S Our poor ears...

But other than that I'm really having a good time. Still missing the monkeys back in PJ but I'm much better compared to last semester. I have a good feeling about degree :) Turns out it ain't all that bad. It might have something to do with the fact that we have more than just a few more friends THANK GOD. I mean I love Anna and Shu to pieces but its kinda taxing having to look at the same faces for a very long time hehe. Gosh I sound so mean right now. So just so you guys know, Anna and Shu both agreed with me on that :)

So well, problem half solved :)

I am no longer whining and complaining.

Sem 2...bring it on ;)

Pretend

Hey people this is just a little something I was playing around with while watching Manchester United against CSKA. Hence why its nowehere near my best work hehe. Its quite low on my standards actually :) Just wanted to share it with all you people...


Let's play a game of pretend right now
That might distract me from needless pain
Let's pretend the world is a beautiful place
Let's all from reality refrain.

When you look at me I will pretend
That you see through me to my very soul
When you catch my eye I'll ask no questions
Pretending that seeing me smile was your goal.


When you smile at me I will pretend,
That it means something infinitely more
This pretense brings me more pleasure than it ought
It touches me at my being's very core.


When you speak to me I will pretend
That I'm the only one you see
That unspoken words spoken of unspoken emotions,
Everyone disappears but you and me.


When you make me laugh I will pretend
That you don't intoxicate me as a fine wine
I'll pretend there are no tears behind my facade
My hurt will be yours and your ignorance mine.


When you answer my call I will pretend
That there's nothing you'd rather do
Just like your voice was the tonic to my million problems
I will pretend I heal you too.


When I tell you how I feel I will pretend
That it's all you've been waiting to hear
I'll imagine that gorgeous smile spread on your face
I'll pretend you too had always wanted me near.


When you take my hand I will pretend
That as our hands fitted perfectly, so did we
When you lean on my shoulder I will pretend
That by your side you'll always want me to be.


When you promise me forever I will pretend
That every word is strong and true
Nothing will overshadow my joy and relief
And that day I will never rue.


Then suddenly one day you fall in love
With her luck I cannot compete
A simple statement and just like that ((((MU JUST SCORED!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D))))
My rude awakening was complete.


And on that day my greatest pretense of all
Will slowly but surely come into play
I will pretend you didn't break my heart
I will appear ecstatic no matter what my conscience may say.


So let's play a game of pretend right now
That might distract me from needless pain
Let's pretend the world is a beautiful place
Let's all from reality refrain.

Sad but comforted...

It was just a normal Friday. I was about to yell at Dad for being home so late with lunch when he said those fateful words "Tata's really bad". And when I was unpacking lunch he made the doomed call to Taiping. I was already scared and worried and next thing I knew he was asking if Alice attai was sure that he wasn't breathing. And that's it. In a split second in what had been an absurdly normal day until that moment, I lost my grandfather.


Obviously we rushed back to Taiping about an hour later. Dad was completely not himself and it scared the crap outta me. So on the way to Taiping something totally hilarious happened. There was a jam somewhere on the way after the tunnel and we were stuck there for quite a while. Suddenly Joash said he saw Terrence sithappa's car. We asked how he knew and he was quick to reply that his shiny bald head gave him away hehe. Imagine our surprise when we caught up with them at Taiping and Terrence sithappa said the exact same thing-Keith(my cousin and his son) had seen the car and Terrence sithappa pointed out that he confirmed it was our car when he spotted Dad's shiny bald head as well hehe.


Let me just point out here that I absolutely hate and I really mean HATE funerals. They make me upset and depressed and even if I don't know the person I tend to cry when i see other people cry. And I'm not really fond of crying that much. So just imagine seeing my granddad lying there. Just lying there. And my grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins all around the coffin some crying, some just staring in shocked disbelief. Oddly I found it more comforting to just not look at tata. Cause whenever I did the tears just wouldn't stop.


So anyway we were there for a while and part of the family was already there. Then we went back to my other (maternal) grandma's place for the night cause dad's mom's place was just too freakishly crowded and we probably would have ended up sleeping outside if we had stayed :) Keith and his mom my aunt Sandra followed us there and I ended up being totally unable to sleep and watching The Nanny by myself in the house which was totally blanketed with darkness. Didn't sleep well that night at all. I suppose it was fitting.


And the next day was the funeral.


Our day began just as any day would. Then the all black outfits came on and everywhere there were reminders that a funeral was about to happen that day. Then came the comforting part. Chandra sithappa and his family, including my dear dear cousins Benjy and Christina and my darling aunt Asha all arrived from India. Gosh they've only been gone for like 3 months and we all missed them insanely. Benjy looks a lot like Christina now hehe. His long hair apparently not an issue in his new American school :) Oh and in the morning when I arrived I was surprised to see a new family settling down in the house. Like an idiot I asked sis who those people were. Turns out my long lost aunt Mary had brought her whole family for the funeral. And I haven't seen her since I was a baby by the way. She has children and all, meaning I had cousins I didn't even know about :S


It was such a great feeling when the whole family was there. It felt complete and just right somehow. An extremely dysfunctional family we may be but we're still a family right? Its just sad that it had to happen because of a death in the family. Cause I'm sure tata would have loved to see his family all together like that.


Anyway the funeral was soon after lunch. There was a lot of crying and sniffling. I didn't listen to the sermon much cause I was busy thinking about tata. It was so sad thinking about the past and how great it was and thinking that the future would still be there..but without him. I'd always figured he'd just be there. So the burial was very dramatic la. The Thangasamy clan as usual is either a sitcom or a drama and on that day the full impact of the influence of Tamil cinema showed itself in the behavioural patterns of my family lol.


Sigh......... We left him there at the cemetery literally six feet under. But I was a bit relieved after the burial was over. It always seems to be that way most of the time I wonder why....


Anyway, after that our whole trip was about family time and bonding. I was pretty much constantly with my cousins. The adults were all settling funeral expenses and such. But it was pretty great. My family usually only all gets together at Christmas so it was awesome to see everyone and spend time with them. Cause in case I haven't mentioned this, my family can be extremely fun to hang around with :)


Chandra sithappa was regretting losing my number when he switched his sim card in New Delhi. He usually calls me whenever Man United lose no matter what ungodly hour it is just to heckle me and so that I can yell at him while he laughs :@ So he and Benjy had just watched a match where they lost and he wanted to call me all the way from India but he realised he lost my number hehe. And the biggest family joke now is my weight and lack of a boyfriend apparently ;p Joash was being more of a pest than usual. Maybe being surrounded by people who laugh at his jokes brings on his more-than-a-little-annoying side. And the little devil of the occasion was my cousin Ezra who's about 8 or 9 who irritated the crap out of me and didn't seem to mind when I suffocated or slapped or pretty much generally abused him hehe. Basically I had fun. Hence the title of this post.


I do feel sad that tata is gone. And I'm definitely bummed that I won't be seeing him at Christmas and the way he has that funny way of laughing and so many other memories that suddenly resurfaced at his passing. But I'm greatly comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in my sadness. I have my entire family to turn to and they're all just as sad as I am. And not only that, his death however sad it may be, brought our family and I mean our WHOLE family together again. That's the best feeling ever.


But there's not that much cause for sadness is there? Sure, the physical separation is hard. But its not like I'll never see tata again. Life on Earth is short, and we do our best to make it sweet and memorable. However in the end, its the afterlife that matters. It's what our entire earthly life strives for. And I'll see my tata again...


Rest in peace tata. We'll all miss you terribly and know that you'll be watching us from above..