An Unquestioned Burst of Inspiration

Believe it or not, the lack updates lately has not been for lack of trying. Inspiration has just not been my friend lately, until today that is.

I don't know if this is any good and I haven't even asked for an opinion on it yet, I was just so excited to have written something after so long. So here it is, my attempt at poetry after donkey years of silence.

There is a question
That hangs in the air
Awkward and unspoken
Acknowledged and deeply pondered
Yet weighted by its unanswered-ness.

It is alive with mischief and elusive wiles
Ever changing, never resting, never still
It morphs with every measure of passing time
From greys and browns, to blues and greens
Never quite reaching the glory of reds and golds.

Its depth is close to unfathomable
Its reach speaks in inaudible whispers
Of broken hearts made whole
Of dreams almost within grasp
Of endless possibility behind wondering doubt
Of earthly wonder in everyday miracles
Of contentment and peace, dangling like an almost promise.

Never asked
Always wondered
The reason behind searching, memorising eyes
And the words just beyond the growing lump of a throat
The endless cause of softer than soft smiles and sighs like anchors.

A simple question
And yet, not so simple.

A Missing Friend

To all my wonderful fellow and former sufferers of the university I call my choice,
Larry, Locoma, BJF, Ishyshy, Christina, Bordi, Shu, Anna and Qades,
this is just because I missed you guys today :)

A missing friend
Is an uneaten half of a waffle I couldn't finish.
It is an unobserved eye roll at the ridiculousness of club activities on campus.
Or an unshared giggle directed at a once-hated lecturer.

A missing friend
Is a signature that need not be forged on an attendance list.
It is a silent lunch alone with a book.
An unexpressed rant about the lack of vegetarian food at the cafeteria.

A missing friend
Is an uncontrollable smile as memories of good times interrupt thoughts of Life Contingencies.
It is a hasty text about how classes are depressing when you clowns aren't around.
Possibly a plan to relive childishness and irresponsibility in all its glory.
Possibly over bak kut teh ;)

Missing you guys!!

A Desperate Quest

My heart heavy, I begin my agonizing journey
My destination called home, but not so.
Each step proves more difficult than the last
Each breath more laboured
I shiver ever so often
Forcing gulps of air down my throat as my body locks itself frozen.

Halfway there
I am utterly convinced I will never make it
At least, not in time.
I wonder if I could run
I wonder if I should try
My mind says I can but...
My limbs beg to differ.

At last! I see it!
The welcoming lights, the glorious stairs to my door.
At long last, my quest almost fulfilled.

Yet as I walk through my door
The one I call brother spares me an evil sneer
As he claims residence of the prize I so desperately sought.

The bathroom.

A Scare

So...I kinda wrote something. And it was really dark. So dark that when I read it again I kinda scared myself. Totally freaked myself out. It has nothing to do with me so nobody panic lol. Just was trying something a little different.

Here it is.

There was a boy
Cheeky, charming, artistic
Tortured, pained, wronged
Protective, caring, loving
Wild, unpredictable, devilish
Impulsive, sexy, good
Murderous, angry, obsessive
All at once
Flawed
Beautiful

There was a girl
Who made him care
Who brought light to his darkness
Who made him smile the way he used to
Before

He was my boy
My wonderful boy
He was mine
And I was his
But I wasn’t that girl

What I gave him was love
I gave him hope
I gave him me
We were happy
Almost content
Almost there

But along came her in his darkest hour
When my light was all but spent
When she’d make him smile
So would I
For his joy brought me joy tenfold
Then I would cry
For his smile came not from me
The way it used to

The pain I endured watching their happiness
Is too much a burden for words to bear
It never lessened, never rested, never held back
Never let me go back

So I took her away from him forever
And watched his goodness wither
The good in me fell in love with his happiness
But forever resented that he took away mine
From two wronged victims
We were condemned to be damned
To ever be lost in each other
Two soulless wanderers
Our darkness eternally devouring the other

A Little Something

She laughs too loud at your jokes but you just punch her in the arm;
She used to snort at your pickup lines, now she's the one falling for your charm.
She can't help but stare sometimes but you just look away;
She's terrified she's falling for you but you don't know what she's trying to say.

You slowly back away when you hear the shocking news.
She's your buddy, one of the guys, it can't really be true...

Just tell her, break her heart, it's better than not saying anything.
Don't let her listen to that hated voice, telling her it all meant nothing.
Tell her you'll love her always, just not the way she wants you to.
Hurt is better than confusion, you know it's the right thing to do.
You will break her heart, crush her soul, that I won't deny;
But painful truth is better than silence, better than a beautiful lie.

A Passing Question

It swims in the ocean with mermaids too lovely to behold;
It soars the open sky with fairies glittering as gold.
It runs the open pastures with unicorns white as snow;
It knows of creatures yet unknown, their stories not yet told.

So elusive this creation, one wonders if it's real;
So uncertain, so invisible, so difficult to know its feel.
So sought after, so demanded, though boundless are its limits;
So mythical this thing called love, this miracle that all ills heal.

A Stray Thought

What is it about a train wreck that appeals to me so? 
Why does the rumble of a distant storm somehow make me glow? 
To the certain trouble ahead why can’t I ever say no? 
Towards sexy, seductive danger will I always surely go?

A Crazy Month

Okay I haven't logged in to Blogger in so long that it wasn't in my frequently visited sites list anymore :s I feel so guilty now. So much for blogging more instead of less as time went on. Then when I did log in I saw that my last log in was on the FIFTH OF SEPTEMBER. Goodness. Slacking off much?

Anyway, obviously a lot has been happening since then. Finals, sem break, back to uni for short semester, etc etc. Yes yes I know. I obviously can't blog during finals but sem break??

I was surprisingly busy during sem break actually. The first week was the busiest. I was literally never home. It was nice :) Went for the Klang Valley Bible Conference for the first time, dad visited, went for a new Home Fellowship group meeting, met up with friends. Officially the busiest sem break ever. Second week was a little slow, but it picked up again. Third week I was in Melaka for a while. Then came back with Mom and spent the weekend at home.

Oh also, right after finals Larry and Joanna and Jordi joined this competition called Short + Sweet at KLPAC for stand up comedy. I ended up going two nights in a row. It was pretty entertaining :) And Larry actually won the Best Newcomer Award! So a huge (and very belated) congratulations to Larry on his well deserved win. After all the drama and the panic, thank goodness it paid off :P

He also joined Short + Sweet Musical which was equally, if not more, entertaining. Well I did like more plays than I hated, so I'd consider it a success :)

And here's a shocker. I actually went for the church's Liturgical Services Camp (the very weekend before finals, I might add). It turned out to be so much fun! And I made a lot of new friends and got reacquainted with an old (well not an old friend la he was more of the brother's friend than mine). I'd definitely go next year. All us 'young' people actually ended up wishing the camp would be longer than two days and one night. I'd definitely consider that a success too :)

Anyway now I'm back at UTAR *sigh*. Only on Mondays and Wednesdays though so it's not that bad. Really need to get off my butt and start looking for that part time job. Fingers crossed that it doesn't interfere with carolling.

So just to round up a catch up post, I've written a new poem after sooo long so I thought I'd share it here.

I gaze at the curious assortment of objects; 
Proudly exhibited in a maddening display. 
It makes me wonder at the foolishness of men; 
At the ludicrous prices they were willing to pay. 

First to catch my eye was a woman’s good, strong shoulder; 
A few pimples on the back, but nothing to make one cringe. 
It was good for crying on and leaning on when a problem was at hand: 
The price seemed fair; just a massage at a painful twinge. 

Then there was a pair of heavily pierced, oddly shaped ears; 
Along with the assurance that despite appearances, they worked just fine. 
They listened patiently, always open to an angry rant or a tear filled gushing; 
All it needed in return was a loving word, an occasional song sung divine. 

A pair of hands were next, chipped nails and chubby fingers; 
But filled with warmth, guidance and nurturing care. 
It was a steal! The price was surely too modest! 
To just be held and caressed once in a while, that was their fare. 

I moved on to the lips, they clearly weren’t Angelina’s; 
Nevertheless they looked comely, possibly even sweet. 
They bestowed smiles, kind words and well meaning advice; 
Surely the price of tender kisses was far less than one would meet? 

The eyes were actually compelling, black as deepest night; 
They looked into one’s soul, they spoke volumes without a word. 
All they needed was to be gazed into the same way sometimes; 
I mulled at this price, the most intense yet not quite absurd. 

I gasped at the sturdy beating heart on display; 
Unlike the others it was broken, yet perfect in every imaginable way. 
It welcomed openly, ushered in graciously and loved unconditionally; 
But it demanded honesty, kindness and loyalty without sway. 

However it was the one-time offer that took my breath and froze my blood; 
As I read in disbelief that all the items would be given away. 
Along with a body and all the merchandise came a soul, a being, a PERSON; 
If the price, willingly paid, was a love that would never decay. 

A bell rang in the distance, the auction was to begin; 
I started to gather myself, my stomach still in a knot. 
I hurried to the entrance, surely it was rude to be late; 
When it was my things being sold, was what I nearly forgot.

An Ode To Lord Aragorn

Okay so here's the thing; I was always crazy about Lord of the Rings and almost everyone in it. Fine, I was crazy about everyone in it. Every single person. Down to the last orc. Yes, I even loved that damn eye up in that tower. 

So all your LOTR lovers out there would understand how madly in love I am with Lord Aragorn, who became King Elessar of Gondor and the North. Yes, I am showing off how much I know :p You won't be able to help it, trust me. He's all noble and kind and just. As if that weren't enough he's also rugged and tough and warrior-like and un-freaking-believably hot.

Dammit Aragorn/Viggo Mortensen, why so damn hot??

Anyway I was inspired today to write something in honour of him, from Arwen, his Elven-become-Mortal Queen. Here it is. 

Ode To Aragorn

A sigh escapes your lips, almost unheard over the storm so loud;
A weary smile lights the fire in your strong, proud eyes.
I watch as all cares fall off your shoulders this short night;
As you tell me you are mine until the sun makes its rise.

Your people, who love you, they think they know your smile;
But not the smile only to me you bestow.
The smile that made me yearn during your absence, your battles;
That willed me to your side, through whatever distance that proved a foe.

Your warrior hands, so accustomed to a sword feared and dreaded;
Are no less certain as they reach for mine.
The hands of a healer, though much callused and bruised;
They heal my troubled soul, as no longer for you I pine.

Your voice, gentle, but made for the command of armies;
It is quiet now, sweet as you whisper in my ear.
It sings me a song of love, truth, and faith unrelenting;
Its sweetness and familiarity I ache to always hold near.

The comfort of your embrace is known by many, both common folk and lordly;
But surely they know not of this.
It keeps me warm many a night, as though meant for me alone;
It gives me a taste of pure, unspoilt, unadulterated bliss.

Everyone knows your eyes, wise and kind and loving;
The way they pierce through one's very soul.
They see my being, my sorrow, my happiness and my shame,
Yet they judge not as they gaze, showering love hot as coal.

But I, only I know the peace resting upon your beautiful face;
The peace that takes you as you sleep.
Only I know your every breath as beside me you lie;
Every word that escapes you in the land of dreams so deep.

Much too soon, you awake at the very hour of dawn;
A mantle upon you laid to lead a kingdom of glory and might.
A parting smile, a loving kiss, and I watch you take your leave;
My husband, my Lord, my King and Unwavering Light.

Too Much To Lose

As I stare at my reflection, breathing ever so deeply; 
To myself I make a solemn frightening vow. 
I promise that today will be the day that I let it all out; 
Today I will disregard where, when, what and how. 

I practice the words one last time before leaving; 
I force myself to remember them this time. 
I steel myself against my twitching, my nerves and my tears; 
I remind myself that I had hardly committed a crime. 

Suddenly I’m before you, and everything comes rushing back; 
Every single reason I had broken promises before. 
Every flaw in my rehearsed speech suddenly became blindingly obvious; 
As did everything I’d be missing that I had come to adore. 

I suddenly remember how I can’t live without your smile; 
And how it had taken me long enough to see it again. 
I remember how I had taken that smile for granted sometimes; 
I remember how without it, I couldn’t live with the pain. 

I remember the pain in your eyes, how it seemed to drain your sparkle; 
How it took away the amazing boy I knew dwelled within. 
I remember my joy as your eyes slowly shone again; 
And how it cheered me more than your cheeky grin. 

I remember the warmth of your skin as we tickled, pinched and wrestled; 
How I turned cold inside when it all came to an end. 
I had frozen in utter shock the first time you tickled me again; 
I convinced myself somehow that it meant we were on the mend. 

Tears almost spill onto my cheeks when I fondly remember; 
The way you used to look at me when you called me your dearest. 
A stupid smile had spread on my face when you called me dear again; 
Surely it had meant nothing, but that victory tasted the sweetest. 

I snap back to the present as you catch sight of me there; 
I watch your surprise turn to laughter and delight. 
As you cheerily walk towards me, I know then for certain; 
That I’ll never see a more welcome sight. 

I decide there and then that I can never keep my promise; 
That your friendship was too precious to discard. 
It didn’t matter anymore that I was still madly in love; 
It didn’t matter that you still had my heart. 

A new stabbing pain hits me, a new sad darkness grips me; 
As I realize I’ll never again hear that you love me. 
But insignificant was my pain in light of your warm, shining eyes; 
On went my plastered smile, as it forever would be.

A River of Blood

It took me some time, but I finally figured out;
That I'm addicted to how I bleed.
No matter how much it stings, no matter how much I cry;
For you I'd stiffen up and do the deed.

I'd willingly hand you the knife, bare to you my wrist;
Knowing the pain sure to come.
Knowing that I'd get nothing at all in return;
Knowing that to nothingness I'd succumb.

Because with you darling, even that cold steel knife;
Is the warmth of a thousand fires.
I feel not the pain as you smile while you cut;
No wound can ever make fade my desire.

A Friday's Worth of Emotion

Well nothing eventful to report today, so I thought I'd share this poem I wrote just last night :)


Outta My, Outta My

My palms start to sweat as all eyes land on me;
I wonder to appease them what I could possibly say.
I look away, take a breath, wipe my palms on tattered jeans;
Anything those hated words out loud to delay.

Hi, my name is Elle and I'm a....I let the words die;
I see their eyes turn from pity to scorn.
Did that guy just flinch? Did that kid just roll her eyes?
Someone whispered 'denial', a word I proudly adorn.

This was supposed to be a place where I could feel safe, free from judgement;
So much for partners in suffering.
I was supposed to find peace, sympathy, understanding, maybe love;
But from the riotous mocking voices there is no buffering.

I glare at the guy in front, I call him Pride;
He thinks resisting is good for his ego.
But pride goes before a fall, what happens when he's weak?
Will pride save him then and play the hero?

Greed sits in the middle, trying to avoid attention;
I know it's because he slipped up again.
He can never have enough, always wanting, always coveting;
Maybe he does it to ease a greater pain.

That poor girl, Anger, sitting alone, tormented by wrath;
Disbelief at what quitting has done to her.
She's been let down by what she considered a friend;
I think she's still waiting for apologies to woo her.

I feel sorriest for the flincher, whom I call Fear;
So afraid of what he'll become without it.
I wonder what it's like in his scary little world;
And I pray he'll make it out of his own dark pit.

Suddenly, as I blinked, I was left in an empty room;
Though I clearly heard their voices left behind.
What horribly dark personalities that influenced my every decision;
The frighteningly familiar voices that reside in my mind.

A Random Musing

Something about your lips
The way they curve into a smile
Something about your phone voice
Makes me wanna start to dial
Something about your gaze
The way your eyes they burn
There's just something about you babe
Something that makes me turn

An Odd Sounding Poem, Even To Me

Okay I wrote it, but even when I read it I'm like.....what? So bear with me.

Ah, the inexplicability of the ties that bind us to each other;
Some made of steel chains, some made of thread.
The idea that a hushed word could break the strongest bond;
The sad truth that even chains have tears to dread.

How is it that ties made of fragile thread dues to years and years of friction;
Still won’t set the people they struggle to bind free?
Why hang on, not letting go before it is threadbare and rough?
Why do they hang on, and let problems and hurts be?

What about bonds made of paper, not yet wrapped in years of friendship?
Why bother when a single gust of wind could destroy it?
Isn’t it odd that these bonds that mostly don’t endure their first attack;
Are still formed even though it’s so easy to be toyed with?

Then there are connections made of wire, deceptively strong as can be;
That is, until an extraordinarily sharp enough weapon can be found.
Oh how it hurts when things thought to be so solidly unbreakable;
Are so easily mangled and tossed aside without so much as a sound.

There are also unions untested by time, made wholly of glass;
That can crack or even shatter at the first sign of trouble.
These are the ties that people wonder at if it lasts;
These are the ones that only survive in a trouble-proof bubble.

But amidst all these, the rarest of them all;
Are ties so terribly unexplainable.
They do not seem to be of this world, yet they just have to be;
And once formed, they are priceless and unmistakeable.

These are ties formed not by man made substance;
But by an otherworldly glue called grace.
These are the connections people live for, fight for and die for;
These are the unions people turn to when they need a warm embrace.

So we fight for the bonds we have, we hope for the ones we don’t;
We strive to be worthy as someone else’s bond.
For without these ties, good or bad, could we really be human?
And if we’re lucky, by God given grace, others respond.

Yeah I know it's a little weird. I'm working on my oddness, I promise :)